I’ve mentioned it before, but I deal with some pretty shitty chronic pain. “Double over, can’t walk, lay curled up in a ball high on pain meds” pain. Last week, I had to book a surgery to try and figure out what’s causing it. The best case scenario is I get diagnosed with endometriosis, a disorder that may or may not ever go away. There’s also a solid chance they go in, find nothing, and I’m diagnosed with dysmenorrhea – chronic pain around menstrual cycle with no known cause or cure. Cool.
I’ve been feeling blocked when it comes to writing. Being told pain you’re experiencing is likely going to last the rest of your life is disheartening, to say the least. I kept thinking I needed to write some profound post on how I’m dealing with it or seeing the meaning in it. But honestly, I can’t. It would be complete and utter bullshit, because I’m not coping well at all.
Some moments I’m okay and can see hope for the future. But my depression and anxiety have come back full force. It all feels so pointless when I’m numbed out from pain meds or forced to miss out on the things I normally love doing. It’s a vicious cycle. The more pain I have, the more depressed I get, which makes the pain worse, which makes me more depressed… it feels never-ending.
I’ve bailed on friends more times than I can count, either from pain or depression. Even when I do manage to make it out I usually feel like a downer because I either have to leave early or I can’t be present because I’m suffering. I have this deep seated anxiety that people are going to get sick of it and want nothing to do with me. I still love going to work and working with my clients – it’s one of the things that lights me up. But by the end of the day I’m usually in so much pain or so tired I don’t have energy to do anything else. It’s isolating. And exhausting. It’s all I can do to not get sucked into the despair and feeling hopeless. If I didn’t have such amazing friends and family, I would be.
The point is – it’s okay to be sad. It’s perfectly fine to depend on other people to keep you going when you can’t. When shit gets bad, you don’t have to immediately move past it, find the good in it, or let it go. Rage, be angry, be upset, and feel all the feels. A huge shift like this is still a type of loss and absolutely needs to be felt. Because the more you stuff it down, try to brush it off or push your way through it, the more it festers and transforms until you can no longer pinpoint what is hurting you. Whatever you are feeling is perfectly fine, and it’s okay not to be okay.