There seems to be a reoccurring issue in my life, one that I can see beginning to play itself out again. I go through many periods in my life where I am always on the periphery of the “cool kids” – always in contact, but never quite one of them. I’ve never been able to fit in or adopt their behaviours and ways of moving through life, as these don’t seem to sit well with my own soul. At the same time, I deeply feel this need to be accepted. I go through phases where I am removed from this type of group, and when that happens I am secure and grounded. I am fine in my own self concept when I am alone – I know who I am and what I want from life. Yet the second I find myself back in this position I slowly start questioning and losing pieces of myself.
I obsess about being judged, feeling like I don’t belong, and believing I’m not good enough. I start “hustlin’ for approval” as Kori Leigh would say, and then start dealing with anxiety and feeling lost. I lose my routines and self care, and start falling into old, unhealthy habits or adopting new ones. The pieces of myself that I have searched so hard to find start falling away, and I begin to do everything I can to please others. All this just to feel I belong, even if it is something that deep down, I don’t actually want to belong to.
This time, it seems my boundaries are just strong enough to trigger the realization that this is a pattern. I believe things happen in life to teach us a lesson, and will continue happening until we learn that lesson. Clearly, I haven’t learned mine. I don’t yet know how to navigate this both differently and successfully, but I know I don’t want to repeat the past again. I want to learn the lesson the Universe is trying to teach me. I want to move past this. I want to keep a grip on who I am and what I want without ceding an inch of space I have fought so hard to make safe for myself. I want to feel strong, like I am standing on solid ground, not slowly slipping until I fall deeply into a hole I have to struggle to get out of. I want to grow and live my truth, not stay small and quiet so as not to offend or discomfort others.
Simply put: I want to feel secure in the knowledge that I am worthy. That I am enough. That it is okay for me to take up space in this world. And I want to feel this for myself, not depend on others to validate it for me.